I Am Nothing

I knew a friend or I may not knew him well too much at all but one thing is certain, somehow in his life some things just happen the way he wanted it to.

“Well I tried to live my life and lived it so well
But when it's all over is it heaven or is it hell
So I better be happy now that no one can tell, nobody knows
I'm gonna be happy with the way that I am
I'm gonna be happy with all that I stand for
I'm gonna be happy now because the boy's going home.”

- Jason Mraz (The Boy’s Gone)

I lived with the bliss of what good things can offer, I lived with faith in what I believed in, I lived for myself and not for others, I lived my life just I want it to be, I lived and I loved. And to sum up all the things that I lived for in this life there are some things that somehow we can not lived for.

For me, this things are just the ones that we can not imposed on ourselves, this are the things that no matter how hard we try they just can never meant to be and no matter how much we want its just it never could be.

My life lived a different path because I took the road that less people traveled. It was never easy and it was never too well and out of curiosity, chances were never simple. They say I had the looks, the talent and the making of a good patriarchal figure but isn’t that too coined? Or too marginalized? Well, what do you expect? The society never accepts too much of the queer stories.

I graduated a degree that my parents can afford but if have I choice I may have graduated on a different course. I landed a job that’s too absurd because that what I see of it. I don’t work for a living but living means you have to earned it. I wanted to be something else somehow or maybe I just wanted to be someone who got the fame and the fortune. See I wanted easy money and I wanted it badly, I wanted a job that’s fit me and I wanted it too soon. I wanted to travel and I want adventure, I want this latest technology, I want these fancy clothes and I want this new toys. I want them all and I want it now. These are things that’s too materialistic and too plastic but these are the things that some shallow like me wants to have. Sadly these are also the things the no matter how hard I tried I just seem to get them one at a time. Its that I had to lived for what I can afford and lived for what I can have.

And then I had friends, I had lovers and I had fun. Getting along with people isn’t difficult and falling in love isn’t hard. You just throw a party and people will come running. Flirt and you had the sex. Say, I’m gifted with charisma and I just got this irresistible appeal. So thing just came handy just like counting one, two, three. I can be happy anytime I want to or Am I truly happy? When the music stop will some be there to dance with me? When the lights goes lime and the crowd becomes crowded will someone be there to pull me out and make me safe? Is there someone I can call home? Is there some one I can call friend?

They never stay that’s for sure and seems like they leave one by one. How many times had I seen them leaving ? I can’t seem to count it any more. I even lost count to how many of them stayed in bed with me.
But for sure the last one who left me had left me for selfish reasons. Then at the end of the day I may not seem so happy at all or maybe these are just the things that never could meant to be.

But that was all over, that was all past because now I am happy. I chose to be happy. I dried my tears and decided to draw a smile on my face. Life is constantly changing and I’m moving with change. I may not have it all but at least I have some of the piece. I may not be with someone but I am not alone. I am what I am and with all that I stand for. I’m gonna be happy now because I am going home to somewhere I deserved.

I am Mark and I am Nothing.