Friday, September 2, 2011


"I wake up one day and suddenly everything was gone. Everything i had and everything i know was lost. It feels like a dream but i know this is the reality that's left of me"

- Adrian de Castro

Five friends started to booked a flight to Sabah, Malaysia with hopes of touring the South-est part of Asia. They planned to take a venture on the island of Borneo with dreams of discovering something new to themselves. But what have to be a trip for fun and adventure had become a life changing experience to a person, Adrian de Castro.

"Are you sure all is packed?" Selean checked her baggage again.

"Yes! tickets are here, toiletries are sealed and the cameras are fully charged!" Melissa answered like a snappy cadet.

"Hey! did you include canisters of film for my camera?" Adrian added.

"Of course! five rolls of them and we can buy more in Malaysia or wherever we may land if its not enough." Melissa again answered.

"Why are you still on those analog? were in the digital world man! go buy yourself a Nikon DSLR and no need for those hassle films." Jake said.

"The fun and surprise is in the analog... its called lomography anyway. It won't be lomography if its digital!" Adrian explained.

"Drian dear.. Jake won't understand you're passion. His not into the real sense of photography anyway. He just wants to show off even though he had those Nikon DSLR cameras his shooting in automatic mode." Est said while defending Adrian and holding Jake's Nikon D900.

"Enough of that! Will be late for the flight... lets go everyone!" Selean interrupted.

Going to Kota Kinabalu as their first country to embarked was like going to Cebu or Davao only. The flight took not more than two hours and the plane landed.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Letter of Intent

Dear Seph,

It took me few days to come up with this letter. I have to gather all my courage to start writing the first words.

I know it is not far from your knowledge and senses the efforts and approaches i have exerted to make you feel special, indeed you are right, i am treating you special.

As i said before, when words seems to hide and if i can't push them out i try to put them in writings. So this letter mainly expresses all the things i want you to know all this times.

The truth is, i like you. Worst i am starting to move beyond like and it feels like love. I don't know what i see in you that makes it hard to resist. Maybe its true, "it takes no time to fall in love but it takes years to know what love is" and i am starting to fall for you. i don't mind your flaws, your attitude, your whine, your being you.

You might not be able to return it back, its ok. Just don't let me stop loving you. Its a torture for me to pretend like i don't care, to resist you and meeting you in the eye when opportunity allows and yet i pretend that there's nothing at all. but i am not a good pretender, the eye is the window to my soul and i want you to see through me.

Love is something you give, share it with no expectations for return investment, no interest rate, and no pretentions. that's how i define love and that's how i practice it.

You may wonder why now? why you? I can only answer you with i don't know, if not now then when? If not you then who? One cannot teaches the heart when and whom to to love. Love is simply it is and its a wonderful feeling that needs to be shared and flourished.

But no worries, i am giving myself a deadline and i am making it now. I will not stop loving you but i will distance myself from you. I say its better to keep this emotion, i bet its better. But i guess they are right, if i keep on hiding this and if i keep it all time. I might explode one day, these are thing you just can't let it pass. these are the things you cannot postponed because i don't wan't to regret one day that i wasn't able to tell you how i feel. life is too short to go on leaving in regrets of the things that should have been done, that have been said but left dead because i was coward.

I know your hesitations and i am not asking more from you. I respect your values, your beliefs. but according to a hedonism principles you can never be happy unless you seek greater happiness with others, as no man is an island. We can start as a very good friend, a companion you can be with when you're alone, someone who listens to your woes and complains, someone you can trust, throw ideas, you can argue with, your crying shoulder,your someone when they all fail you because honestly in me i want you to be that someone. It is hard to be alone and its hard to grow old alone.

Whatever your decisions will be just don't forget you can always count on me like a brother, a friend. You can always open up your problems and almost everything to me. You know i will always listen, I will always have a time for you. Whatever your problem is i will try to help you with all my might and we'll solve them together.

but if its hard for you to accept this fact, you can always skip the first part, burn after reading, pretend it wasn't written. Go on as if nothing had happen.

Loving you now and forever.

Your secret admirer

Saturday, July 9, 2011

If it's Love

"If it’s love and we decide that it’s forever no one else could do it better. And if I’m addicted to loving you and you’re addicted to my love too. We can be them two birds of a feather that flock together. Love, love got to have something to keep us together. Love, love that’s enough for me."


As he opens the door he felt a sudden breeze. A cold wind just went inside that gives him goosebumps. instantly he knew who was there.

"Seph, I thought you were gone? Leave me for a while can you?"

A strong wind suddenly hit the door that slam it closed.

"Now you're furious? I did not ask for this! Can you spare me some time?" He blurted in a loud and strong tone.

The curtains in the window were like dancing as the gentle breeze became a strong wind. It hit the nearby picture frames that were hang on the wall that made a loud noise as it hit the floor. "BAAANNGGG!!"

"Calm down.. please.. we can discuss this in a peaceful manner." As he took the broken picture frame showing a photo of two young men who seems so happy from a vacation. The background was an old malay temple that gives a feeling of nostalgia to the viewer.

Not so long ago they were a happy couple. Like ordinary newly weds they embarked on a trip after agreeing on settling down together of being four years as lovers. They faced all the odds as they were not an ordinary couple in a stereotype society.

Terence was the aggressive type. He worked for an Non government office and that was fighting for the acceptance and practice of the basic human right that each individual should uphold and the society should respect.

Seph was more of the traditional person. Strong family values. He was not out of the closet due to his fear of rejection. The idea of having a relationship with the same gender will never sink into his mind as for him it was a sin. He keep his true identity hidden to everyone, even his family doesn't know or they refuse the fact that they know.

They meet in the office that Seph work for as an intern. They have different views, different backgrounds and different values. But one can never resist the sharp arrows of cupid. They were hit and they were in love.

Although it was a struggle for Seph, he had a hard time on balancing the situation. He had to weigh his choices and he have to face the consequences it holds. Although Terence was there to support him all the way, he have to make a big leap that will change his life forever. So it happened. He break his values and give in with open heart accepting Terence's love.

And for four years a midst the struggle and the difficulties they have kept their relationship working and strong. Not until that one tragic night.

"I cannot go with you. Just go ahead and don't wait for me... the meeting might last for hours and i don't want to keep you waiting." Terence explained on the other line.

"But you promise... you should have inform me earlier so that i can take a cab from the office. Now i have to walk the alleys..." Seph said worriedly.

"It'll be fine... nothing will harm you. Don't worry i'll be home soon. Sorry for this.. i know i promised but this was with short noticed. Just take care!" Terence tried to end the conversation.

"Ok i'll just try to find another alternative. Be take care too.. and.. i love you.." Seph's last words.

"i love you too..." Terence replied as he turn off the phone.

After that night Seph was never to be found.

Never Grow Up

I was gone away from home for two years and for the first time in two years i would be seeing the shack that i left behind, the place where my innocence left a blissful memory, the place who teach me to be tough, and independent.

When my mother open the door to let me in i heard a cry from the other room. i was certain it was a voice of a little child. Slowly she lead me to that room, opened the door and took the child from the bed. It was a baby boy, around 2 years old, with white complexion and eyes like mine. Instantly, from that moment a felt something different. It was an ambivalent feeling that i don't know how to handle. Without hesitation i reach for the young boy's fingers and give him a warm smile. He was surprise with the new face in the house that you can see he was confused..

After a few more months of being at home the young child often plays with me. His charms and tantrums seems to be so adorable that you wish it won't end. He wakes up everybody in the morning, he greets you with a smile when i arrive at home, the way he struggles to free when a grab him, his cry and his smile was like an energy booster.

Then flashbacks of my childhood memories keeps visiting me every time i saw him running around the house. How each day he learn a new moves or a new word. How days pass by and you see him grow. I see a young me.. the days when i need not to worry on what dress to wear, what food to eat, how hurt subsides so easily, when you reason without fear of being corrected or expressing your emotions without fear of rejection. How nice it is to be young and care free. This are the moments when you wish you have never grown up.

But then again have i grown up? The measure for maturity is not age, not appearance nor not years. It is the wisdom that we begot from the life experiences.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Losing my Religion

"Nothing can save you!" he blurted.

As if he was perfect, he keeps on preaching words that he have read from the book he called the saving grace. He was so annoying. Insensitive enough not to mind the noise that he had created.

I felt ashamed.

The crowd are all eyes on me. Is this the price i have to pay for being charitable? slowly i walked away from him.

"The end is near! repent and be save!" he shouted.

"You!" as he point those filthy finger across me. "You will not go to heaven unless you turn from your bad deeds!"

Now i am melting. I felt so small and struck by his words. Am i really ashamed? or was i thinking about what he had said, Will i be save?

i ignored him while hiding my face with my handkerchief.

"Are you okey?" a familiar voice came across me. Slowly putting his arms around me and helped me moved away from the crowd.

"Don't mind what his saying. His insane" as we continue walking to a more less crowded place.

"Thank you" a humble word that my mouth can mumble.

After being away from the crowd and that insane beggar on the street my mind was now confuse. Am i really saved?